Anger

Last night I notice blood shot around my eye bags area..
Again..
N my fist, punched the poor wall..
Is with bruises again..
This time is worst, it haven't recover from last Saturday's punch..
I can barely move my pinky..

Today.. They are still the same..

I was mad..
Yesterday I wanted to knock my head to the wall already..
But I didn't..
I guess part of me is still sane..

But I don't know how long it can last..

I notice I can't tell anybody about it..

As they will ask..
Is it worth it? such irrelevant question..
How am I supposed know..
This is clearly done by a crooked mind ppl whom can't find the way out..
Pain n injury is really just a side dish for me..

Last night he told me his mother kept asking him what happened
Making the whole family worried etc..
He almost hit his neighbour's dog
Very close to going out of his mind
He is clearly not good at managing anger too..
But he got all the attention
N I had to step down
I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to care about him at this point but I'm glad I hurt myself..
Cuz this way.. I feel pain n real.. Even though I have to do it alone..

The truth is he can't handle the truth..

He doesn't know that he is revengeful..
He wanted me to feel miserable the way I made him feel..
He want me to take it n keep quiet..
He want me to admit my mistake..
He doesn't want to stop fighting until he have done all his revenge n I get all the punishment he thinks I deserve..
He knows it kills me to keep listening..

And I..
Every time have to be the last to suffer..

N then last he will ask..
If I feel miserable n suffered..
But I cant tell him the truth because he won't be able to handle it..
He will show his sadness n guilt to hurt me more..
N then it goes on..

Until I give him what he wants

N then he will come apologise the damage he have done to me..
He's like a owner hugging a dog after hitting it..
N I'm like a dog letting him hug me in fear, terrorized with leftover love..
The dog always lick its own wound..

The dog has to be so optimistic to live with the owner..

I have no one to talk to..
Yet I have to tell him what to do..

I shall keep this alone..
I shall drown in sorrow..

What choice do I have?