Tears

Today, I'm sad..

I need someone else to tell me if I'm such a lousy person
Is it true that I don't listen?
Even if its true, will I be given 2nd chance after I'm confronted with such attitude?
Or I shall be punished with another heartbreak?
I'm lost..
Cause I don't want this to happen again!
I'm afraid actually..
Because the feeling of it kills me inside

Today I went ikea to look at a table to fit in dining area at my house
Since my mom said it would really utilise the space there
So I didn't tell him what exactly I'm looking for
Just said I wanna go ikea!
So he said ok n I cook him a simple lunch n then we took some time to settle some other stuff sitting at new zealand ice cream before we step foot in ikea..
We bought green tea ice cream..
Time was limited..
I still haven't explain to him what I'm looking for..
Though until I did, he doesn't seem to b able to imagine it n I kinda give up explaining cuz I didn't plan to get it right then.. Just wanted to get some measurement n see if what my mom suggested is viable..
Of course again he didn't know that..

So we end up standing around the table sort of custom made area.. end up I still tell him what we r looking for drawing it on a piece of paper n he replied that its impossible!
I was shocked n I told him it is! N it's the matter of whether we can get what we want from ikea!
Then the argument kinda went to like he telling me he just worried if I bought it home n it's gonna be useless etc..
N then I told him I'm not gonna buy it right away!
Then he said things like its already wrong as I'm supposed to get the measurement from home first..
It went on n on n on..
N then I sort of like get that he meant there's nothing in ikea that can fit that area I want since ikea table are pretty much in standard size..

The next thing I rmb him telling me was that he's not happy with me that I don't listen to him..
I just attack him whenever I think things that he said aren't right!
That I don't give him chance to tell me his opinion!
But... But... But...
What? Why? When?
What about him not saying the right words for me to understand?????
I don't get what he is trying to say all the time!

:(

Exactly!
He let go of me n ask me what I want him to do
There's nothing he can do if I give him this face

:(

My world crush at that time
I thought..
Fine then I shud give him the advantage of talking! Since u said I always attack.. Fine.. I'd do that for you.. I'll give u a chance to fight for yourself!

So I started to say other things..
Told him I wanted to get pillow to put in his car etc
U know?
Divert some attention to other stuff.,
N then I dunno what again
He said "u like lor., I don't dare to give opinion already.. You walk lar I'll just follow u"

:(

I tried so hard.. I'm not sure what to do again.. I tried to take it..
But I was crying in my heart I can't take it anymore.. N I can't cry in public..
Since i was walking towards the exit already He was suggest maybe we shud go home already..

So as we walk he was pressing his phone n then I asked him who is he texting..
He said Jax.. N asked me y..
Then I just answer him that it's odd cuz he don't normally press him phone while walking..
Then he replied cuz he tried to avoid talking n giving me opinion anymore..

That time.. I'm only thinking..
I need to cry.. The nearest place is wash room..

So I went to wash room
N I didn't cry.. I was thinking.. Maybe after this things would be better..
I shall take it again.. I shall..

So I went out n ask him if he wants hot dog.. He said there are too many ppl..
Normally I would say, just que!
But again I was thinking.. I should honour his opinion isn't it?
He got curry puff instead.. N said should go home already,.
N so I asked him.. Don't he wanna eat it?
He just tell me he don't have the mood..
He will just go home n then only eat if he has the mood then..


What run through my mind that time was I can't go home with him like that..
How can I still have steamboat dinner with him n his family??
Y should I?? I had enough of all this 'cold treatment'
I'd rather go home!!!
But if I don't.. It's gonna make things worst..
Why?????
What the fuck????
What should I do????
Y is everything so hostile to me???
Help me help me help me!!
Y the closest ppl to me
Will just do things to me without thinking????
Without putting more thoughts..
N y cant think about consequences???
How to take it anymore????
Kill me please!!
So sad...
So sad..

I walked so fast to the car..
I just wanted to cry..
Burst out crying once I got back into parking lot..
N he kept begging me not to cry
Cuz he won't be able to drive if I'm crying

But that time I don't give a damn anymore..
I can't stop..
Maybe I'll stop crying.. But not just so u can drive..
Not just so u can feel better..
Because I dunno what to do..
All I know is just cry!!!!!!!


I rmb..
He drove so recklessly on the road..
Because I can't stop crying even when he said sorry
Even when he kept begging n tell me how messed up his feeling was at that time..
Honestly it didnt frighten me..
It just made me feel more disappointed..

Because he don't trust me at all..
I'm really really deep down sad..
I'm not doing it to get his attention
Maybe To him my tears is a punishment
it's to make myself look pitiful n then win the fight..
N then he is the bad guy

My sadness.. It cannot be explained unless its told by how much I think for him for the whole day..
I should be trusted..

When I cry..
I don't give a damn anymore how much it would make him feel cuz really..
If I can.. I really enjoy crying alone because at least nobody will stop me from crying then..

Yes I prefer to cry alone!
I don't need pity I don't need to win a fight ..


Hey apple.. I'm showing u this blog post is not because I want u to feel guilty..
I just need u to know what is going on at my side n I really need you to know!
Cuz if u don't..... Means ill get another heartbreak.. Just because you don't know..


I do give u chance to make things better
The fact that I follow u home..
The fact that I dried my tears de tour around taipan..
Do u seriously think I wanted yo fresh?
I can go home anytime i want..
I don't greet anyone when I reach home..
I can just walk straight to my bed n take a nap but I decided to give you chance to make things right again..
I know u put in effort too afterthat n I appreciate it..
But please trust me I don't do things on purpose to hurt u..
I know u don't hurt me on purpose too..
But please think first too?
U can tell me what u r not happy with me.. If my attitude suck..
But don't do things that will hurt me!!
N please don't break my heart again..
I don't want to take my heart back from you n protect it on my own..

Things that cannot be undone

Hate it when ppl barge into my room
N then start yelling for things that I have no clue about..
Made me feel so hostile n I just wanna freaking leave the supposed-to-be most comfortable place on earth..

First of all how can u expect me to know shits when I'm not informed at all..
And as for the rest I'm lazy to explain.. to cut it short it's just effing rude..

Now I'm in my room
Freaking messed up n no mood to rest d
Even though I know I need that rest.. God help me!

letting go

I knew what i wanted..

Back when i was still in Uni, i used to lie to myself to feel better about not choosing the career path that i have passion on..
I tried to convince myself that i cant make a living out of my interest and accounting is what's best for me!
Giving the fact that this industry is all so commercialised in Malaysia, i'll be risking myself to lose that passion.. if i were to make it as my day job.. 
So keeping it as a hobby may be the best way to preserve my interest..............

Today,
An ex-colleague invited me to go sing k..
I then told him i will not be free and of course we end up chatting a little after that..

From one topic leading to another.. We actually talked about the requirement in getting ACCA membership..
I was in a total B.L.U.R..haha! And clearly i havent been putting any thoughts about it at all..
What's with me?!!! I havent decide anything at all..

But honestly speaking.... Im not interested....

It got me thinking.. Is it abit too wasted?
so much of hardwork getting myself to pass the exam and here i am..
letting go the chance of getting the membership while others is putting so much effort in achieving it..

I dont know whats best for me.. I mean i only have 1 life and i DO know what i want instead.. 

I want to take up make up courses!!
I want to learn how to draw~~
I always have a huge interest in photography..
I want to exploit my art talent.. to see if i have any!
I want to do all things i want..

Late?

Am i over thinking?

I am not sure if im overly sensitive or what but this is what happen.

Just a moment ago i received a phone call from him. Telling me they (his family and him) are going to have dim sum breakfast tmr.
And this is how he said it: "my mom said tmr go dim sum wor"
So i replied "oh okay"
Then i realise and asked "wait.. are u telling me only or asking me along too?"
Him : "i think you should come"
Apparently... his mother did not specifically ask him to invite me..
Then before i could talk further our conversation was interupted by the mother talking to him so we decided to put down the phone first...

To me... this is superbly embarassing..
i wouldnt wanna be a part of anything without invitation..
Self-invite is the last thing i would do..

So when he called me back..
he said he mention about bringing me to that breakfast tmr morning n the mom said okay
but this doenst mean anything to me anymore..
insulting actually..
maybe im taking this too seriously but......... try to put on my shoes?..

he sounded dissapointed.. and im so sure.. he dont know what to do
n again he just said its up to me.. whether i want to join or not..

so freaking unfair kind of attitude..
because if the same thing happen to him..
i would've ask properly at the first place
n say, if this shit happens..
i would've explain better and fight for his every rights and not feel left out..
i would've keep asking him to come n telling him that he is thinking too much..
keeping quiet seems like agreeing silently!

so..

pride comes first

i am NOT joining the breakfast!


edited**
yes i over think......
turns out he thought we need not mention stuff like that
since we're so close already n together all the time..
but to me im merely drawing a line between his terms of "family" AND "me"


anyway,
i will still draw a line in the future..
because there are a difference..
im not "the family".. very clearly cause its a fact..