I can never forget the feeling of going to airport alone n yet excited.. Impatient about the 8 hours flight to meet him..
That was 2 years ago.. :)

Anger

Last night I notice blood shot around my eye bags area..
Again..
N my fist, punched the poor wall..
Is with bruises again..
This time is worst, it haven't recover from last Saturday's punch..
I can barely move my pinky..

Today.. They are still the same..

I was mad..
Yesterday I wanted to knock my head to the wall already..
But I didn't..
I guess part of me is still sane..

But I don't know how long it can last..

I notice I can't tell anybody about it..

As they will ask..
Is it worth it? such irrelevant question..
How am I supposed know..
This is clearly done by a crooked mind ppl whom can't find the way out..
Pain n injury is really just a side dish for me..

Last night he told me his mother kept asking him what happened
Making the whole family worried etc..
He almost hit his neighbour's dog
Very close to going out of his mind
He is clearly not good at managing anger too..
But he got all the attention
N I had to step down
I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to care about him at this point but I'm glad I hurt myself..
Cuz this way.. I feel pain n real.. Even though I have to do it alone..

The truth is he can't handle the truth..

He doesn't know that he is revengeful..
He wanted me to feel miserable the way I made him feel..
He want me to take it n keep quiet..
He want me to admit my mistake..
He doesn't want to stop fighting until he have done all his revenge n I get all the punishment he thinks I deserve..
He knows it kills me to keep listening..

And I..
Every time have to be the last to suffer..

N then last he will ask..
If I feel miserable n suffered..
But I cant tell him the truth because he won't be able to handle it..
He will show his sadness n guilt to hurt me more..
N then it goes on..

Until I give him what he wants

N then he will come apologise the damage he have done to me..
He's like a owner hugging a dog after hitting it..
N I'm like a dog letting him hug me in fear, terrorized with leftover love..
The dog always lick its own wound..

The dog has to be so optimistic to live with the owner..

I have no one to talk to..
Yet I have to tell him what to do..

I shall keep this alone..
I shall drown in sorrow..

What choice do I have?

挣扎

前几天我同事要我帮忙找胃癌专科的电话
说她姐姐得胃癌了，末期。伤感。
我不懂怎么安抚她
只能尽我所能帮她找电话

今天她哭红了眼
说她妈刚打了通电话给她
要她去趟医院
看他姐最后一面了

非常突然
事情发生得太快了
她没办法接受


而我。。。
被埋没在罪恶感
我到底对我自己做了什么？

徘徊在危险边境，选择权在我手上
但我却一而再再而三地做不出决定
决定了又不够坚决
那慢性自毁。。。

健康？
还是
容颜？
怎么不能两者兼有呢？

我，到底做了什么。。。。。

There's no such thing as the real happiness in this world

I remember I was truly happy hanging out with the devil
But it do me no good in the long run..
Because....
The extent of happiness is equal to the extent of hurt n pain when it's being taken away..
And I knew, it will end one day..

Now I'm with the angel
N it's all about the truth that I've always crave for
No lies no hides all naked on my sight
But I'm not too sure if i can handle it now.. no matter how hard I tried to convince myself this is the best for me..
I'm occasionally happy and occasionally angry. Crazy. Bitchy. I'm pampered.
I can't be satisfied with all the things given to me.. I've been given everything!!!
It ruins me..

I need to learn how to feel satisfied
I need to learn how not to fight n ask for more
I need to walk out from this mess n do a spring clean to my own fucked up mind and attitude

I need space