Anger

Last night I notice blood shot around my eye bags area..
Again..
N my fist, punched the poor wall..
Is with bruises again..
This time is worst, it haven't recover from last Saturday's punch..
I can barely move my pinky..

Today.. They are still the same..

I was mad..
Yesterday I wanted to knock my head to the wall already..
But I didn't..
I guess part of me is still sane..

But I don't know how long it can last..

I notice I can't tell anybody about it..

As they will ask..
Is it worth it? such irrelevant question..
How am I supposed know..
This is clearly done by a crooked mind ppl whom can't find the way out..
Pain n injury is really just a side dish for me..

Last night he told me his mother kept asking him what happened
Making the whole family worried etc..
He almost hit his neighbour's dog
Very close to going out of his mind
He is clearly not good at managing anger too..
But he got all the attention
N I had to step down
I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to care about him at this point but I'm glad I hurt myself..
Cuz this way.. I feel pain n real.. Even though I have to do it alone..

The truth is he can't handle the truth..

He doesn't know that he is revengeful..
He wanted me to feel miserable the way I made him feel..
He want me to take it n keep quiet..
He want me to admit my mistake..
He doesn't want to stop fighting until he have done all his revenge n I get all the punishment he thinks I deserve..
He knows it kills me to keep listening..

And I..
Every time have to be the last to suffer..

N then last he will ask..
If I feel miserable n suffered..
But I cant tell him the truth because he won't be able to handle it..
He will show his sadness n guilt to hurt me more..
N then it goes on..

Until I give him what he wants

N then he will come apologise the damage he have done to me..
He's like a owner hugging a dog after hitting it..
N I'm like a dog letting him hug me in fear, terrorized with leftover love..
The dog always lick its own wound..

The dog has to be so optimistic to live with the owner..

I have no one to talk to..
Yet I have to tell him what to do..

I shall keep this alone..
I shall drown in sorrow..

What choice do I have?

挣扎

前几天我同事要我帮忙找胃癌专科的电话
说她姐姐得胃癌了，末期。伤感。
我不懂怎么安抚她
只能尽我所能帮她找电话

今天她哭红了眼
说她妈刚打了通电话给她
要她去趟医院
看他姐最后一面了

非常突然
事情发生得太快了
她没办法接受


而我。。。
被埋没在罪恶感
我到底对我自己做了什么？

徘徊在危险边境，选择权在我手上
但我却一而再再而三地做不出决定
决定了又不够坚决
那慢性自毁。。。

健康？
还是
容颜？
怎么不能两者兼有呢？

我，到底做了什么。。。。。

There's no such thing as the real happiness in this world

I remember I was truly happy hanging out with the devil
But it do me no good in the long run..
Because....
The extent of happiness is equal to the extent of hurt n pain when it's being taken away..
And I knew, it will end one day..

Now I'm with the angel
N it's all about the truth that I've always crave for
No lies no hides all naked on my sight
But I'm not too sure if i can handle it now.. no matter how hard I tried to convince myself this is the best for me..
I'm occasionally happy and occasionally angry. Crazy. Bitchy. I'm pampered.
I can't be satisfied with all the things given to me.. I've been given everything!!!
It ruins me..

I need to learn how to feel satisfied
I need to learn how not to fight n ask for more
I need to walk out from this mess n do a spring clean to my own fucked up mind and attitude

I need space

Ex gf

I emailed her through Facebook about 2 days ago
For some unsettled stuff
But she did not reply me
I guess that's okay :)
It's been 2 years, this unsettled mess.....

I clarified to her that we have never cheat on her. Whether she believe or not..
N I apologise to her that her feeling is hurt, & for the tears that she have shed..

It's kinda different if I were to do it 2 years ago..
I wanted to shout at her that "he is your freaking ex already!!!!! Both of you have broken up!!! Stop saying we betrayed you!!! N I'm barely your friend as we have never spoken to each other at all before!!!! Bitch!!!"
Ok the bitch word is definitely out of anger..
I have no idea why she claim that we betrayed her to all her friends.. I was mad at her for trashing my reputation actually..
But on the other hand I wanted to email her so badly to say sorry for hurting her..
I was hurt before and I know that pain.. I didn't want anybody to suffer too!
Still, I didn't email her in the end as I can't forgive her foolish act..
I chose to stay quiet n let the rest judge..

I told him about it..
I know it's stupid..
But I'm doing it for us both..
It hits me again recently, when we tell our love story during steamboat dinner last week..
It's stupid.. She's nothing and shouldn't be meddling our future anymore..
And I realise later that the problem is from me.. I allowed it! I couldn't let go and I needed a closure..

What he tell me again n again is that the relationship between him n the ex meant so little to him.. They were barely together too! Their 2 years relationship are all long distance.. N they have only met twice wtf.. Total duration of spending time together is less than 2 weeks..
Honestly........ I don't know what I'm holding on to.....

She might still scold me n trash me in front of her friends..
But we know we r clean :)
We did not betray her n we shall be blessed
We know :)

钥匙

活着无法避免的是
时时刻刻都在寻找钥匙
打开那种种不同的门
解开难题
得到答案

今天的答案：

「人生变化无常」

Moving on

I remember how surprise I was when my old friend Geri was shock that I wakes up in the morning.. Why? I forgot that the Wuen Li she knew was the version few years back -___-

That lazy girl who sleeps in till noon if there's a chance.. and yes without fail..

I hate my old self
I have no idea how shitty I was back then n I can't remember it now :S

My goodness..

But something hasn't change
I'm still dreaming
What changed is that I'm actually proud of it now..

Tears

Today, I'm sad..

I need someone else to tell me if I'm such a lousy person
Is it true that I don't listen?
Even if its true, will I be given 2nd chance after I'm confronted with such attitude?
Or I shall be punished with another heartbreak?
I'm lost..
Cause I don't want this to happen again!
I'm afraid actually..
Because the feeling of it kills me inside

Today I went ikea to look at a table to fit in dining area at my house
Since my mom said it would really utilise the space there
So I didn't tell him what exactly I'm looking for
Just said I wanna go ikea!
So he said ok n I cook him a simple lunch n then we took some time to settle some other stuff sitting at new zealand ice cream before we step foot in ikea..
We bought green tea ice cream..
Time was limited..
I still haven't explain to him what I'm looking for..
Though until I did, he doesn't seem to b able to imagine it n I kinda give up explaining cuz I didn't plan to get it right then.. Just wanted to get some measurement n see if what my mom suggested is viable..
Of course again he didn't know that..

So we end up standing around the table sort of custom made area.. end up I still tell him what we r looking for drawing it on a piece of paper n he replied that its impossible!
I was shocked n I told him it is! N it's the matter of whether we can get what we want from ikea!
Then the argument kinda went to like he telling me he just worried if I bought it home n it's gonna be useless etc..
N then I told him I'm not gonna buy it right away!
Then he said things like its already wrong as I'm supposed to get the measurement from home first..
It went on n on n on..
N then I sort of like get that he meant there's nothing in ikea that can fit that area I want since ikea table are pretty much in standard size..

The next thing I rmb him telling me was that he's not happy with me that I don't listen to him..
I just attack him whenever I think things that he said aren't right!
That I don't give him chance to tell me his opinion!
But... But... But...
What? Why? When?
What about him not saying the right words for me to understand?????
I don't get what he is trying to say all the time!

:(

Exactly!
He let go of me n ask me what I want him to do
There's nothing he can do if I give him this face

:(

My world crush at that time
I thought..
Fine then I shud give him the advantage of talking! Since u said I always attack.. Fine.. I'd do that for you.. I'll give u a chance to fight for yourself!

So I started to say other things..
Told him I wanted to get pillow to put in his car etc
U know?
Divert some attention to other stuff.,
N then I dunno what again
He said "u like lor., I don't dare to give opinion already.. You walk lar I'll just follow u"

:(

I tried so hard.. I'm not sure what to do again.. I tried to take it..
But I was crying in my heart I can't take it anymore.. N I can't cry in public..
Since i was walking towards the exit already He was suggest maybe we shud go home already..

So as we walk he was pressing his phone n then I asked him who is he texting..
He said Jax.. N asked me y..
Then I just answer him that it's odd cuz he don't normally press him phone while walking..
Then he replied cuz he tried to avoid talking n giving me opinion anymore..

That time.. I'm only thinking..
I need to cry.. The nearest place is wash room..

So I went to wash room
N I didn't cry.. I was thinking.. Maybe after this things would be better..
I shall take it again.. I shall..

So I went out n ask him if he wants hot dog.. He said there are too many ppl..
Normally I would say, just que!
But again I was thinking.. I should honour his opinion isn't it?
He got curry puff instead.. N said should go home already,.
N so I asked him.. Don't he wanna eat it?
He just tell me he don't have the mood..
He will just go home n then only eat if he has the mood then..


What run through my mind that time was I can't go home with him like that..
How can I still have steamboat dinner with him n his family??
Y should I?? I had enough of all this 'cold treatment'
I'd rather go home!!!
But if I don't.. It's gonna make things worst..
Why?????
What the fuck????
What should I do????
Y is everything so hostile to me???
Help me help me help me!!
Y the closest ppl to me
Will just do things to me without thinking????
Without putting more thoughts..
N y cant think about consequences???
How to take it anymore????
Kill me please!!
So sad...
So sad..

I walked so fast to the car..
I just wanted to cry..
Burst out crying once I got back into parking lot..
N he kept begging me not to cry
Cuz he won't be able to drive if I'm crying

But that time I don't give a damn anymore..
I can't stop..
Maybe I'll stop crying.. But not just so u can drive..
Not just so u can feel better..
Because I dunno what to do..
All I know is just cry!!!!!!!


I rmb..
He drove so recklessly on the road..
Because I can't stop crying even when he said sorry
Even when he kept begging n tell me how messed up his feeling was at that time..
Honestly it didnt frighten me..
It just made me feel more disappointed..

Because he don't trust me at all..
I'm really really deep down sad..
I'm not doing it to get his attention
Maybe To him my tears is a punishment
it's to make myself look pitiful n then win the fight..
N then he is the bad guy

My sadness.. It cannot be explained unless its told by how much I think for him for the whole day..
I should be trusted..

When I cry..
I don't give a damn anymore how much it would make him feel cuz really..
If I can.. I really enjoy crying alone because at least nobody will stop me from crying then..

Yes I prefer to cry alone!
I don't need pity I don't need to win a fight ..


Hey apple.. I'm showing u this blog post is not because I want u to feel guilty..
I just need u to know what is going on at my side n I really need you to know!
Cuz if u don't..... Means ill get another heartbreak.. Just because you don't know..


I do give u chance to make things better
The fact that I follow u home..
The fact that I dried my tears de tour around taipan..
Do u seriously think I wanted yo fresh?
I can go home anytime i want..
I don't greet anyone when I reach home..
I can just walk straight to my bed n take a nap but I decided to give you chance to make things right again..
I know u put in effort too afterthat n I appreciate it..
But please trust me I don't do things on purpose to hurt u..
I know u don't hurt me on purpose too..
But please think first too?
U can tell me what u r not happy with me.. If my attitude suck..
But don't do things that will hurt me!!
N please don't break my heart again..
I don't want to take my heart back from you n protect it on my own..