咪，

Found a note I wrote some time ago:

 26 oct 2013 5pm

今天和妈和姐吃早餐

好开心。

然后得知妈会和爸去晚宴

咪，

你知道吗？我好喜欢你来敲打我房门

问我你穿得好不好看

你永远都最漂亮

Old friends

Why old friends?

Because ppl move on.. 

If u can find yourself comfortable to hang out or keep in touch, moving on was never necessary at all.. 

About how I value my friendship, it sails forever. (But maybe in different direction!)

Meet me half way, buddy!

I've changed. From inside out.

Fat to fit.

Introvert to extrovert.

Ashamed to confident.

And many more~

But i guess the most important change that ppl didn't realise was that I finally acknowledge my preference, my own thoughts, the courage to be myself.. To allow myself to grow up.. 

I can now finally look back n wave my-old-self goodbye.. :) 

P/S:

Sorry I can't accept your selfishness..

Sorry I didn't like the fact that you prefer uglier friend.. Not that I'm prettier than you now but at least I'm prettier than myself before..

Sorry I'm always truthful about my own feeling.. I don't like games.. I don't need white fucking comfortable lies u enjoy saying n then act innocent..

Sorry I don't demand my bf to treat me like a princess.. he treats me like a queen cuz I acknowledge him as my king..

Sorry I don't like posting ugly picture of my friend.. 

Sorry I don't like competition especially with friends..

Many many more reasons our ship sails in different direction.

The Proud Pegasus.

Happy anniversary, apple n berry :)

What breaks up a couple?

Fight!

As I'm scrolling down reading old posts..

Back in April.. We had this very bad fight which made me felt so miserable, guilty, helpless, trapped, hostile, bullied, mental tortured.. N eventually lead to physical self torture.. 

Funny thing I can't recall what was the fight about anymore n yet all these scary vibes, they lingers..

But why?

N then I realise it's never about the thing we fight about, it's always the things we have done to each other during the fight that cause the damage..

None of us is willing to put it a stop n let things go.. 

I was too dumb to act dumb or to have an eye close on most of the expectation I had..

N he was too ego to admit the imperfection n also setting the right expectation.. 

OR

He wasn't acting straight to point out what he doesn't like about me n instead start provoking me to start that fight he wants..

The worst thing is, 

I could easily misunderstand him for whatever he said....

(That is totally different thing we need to work on)

First 2 years of relationship with him was enjoyable but hard.. 

Cuz as far as I can remember those fight was quite frequent..

Note: u know how ppl say they must listen to both side of story? I've tried my best to put on his shoes to write this post n I'm no friggin' split identity psycho to perfect it by considering his thoughts n what I also have done wrong..

The truth is,

I need to know his side of the story! He was always afraid to confront my mistake.. I'm not sure why.. 

Maybe he doesn't like confrontation so he don't do it to me?

Maybe I'm really such an ignorant bitch that will give him a bite back as return?

Maybe he don't know how to do it?

Maybe he doesn't know what are the best word to put it so that it doesn't work like a full moon turning me into a killing werewolf?

Maybe he didn't wanna ruin the good time? (This doesn't justify it because fight is always worst)

Despites all these crazywazy fight we had, what held us together was mutual..

None of us had the thoughts of backing out.. We are still so sure that we can't afford to lose each other.. 

So.. 

26th nov 2013 marks our 3rd year together..

We didn't celebrate our 1st n 2nd year anniversary because it's just a date we picked.. He didn't officially ask "can you be my gf" hahahah.. But bustard has the balls to just hold my hand n kiss me at the right moment.. 

Anyway, I notice how much lesser we fight now..

So it's a good thing n I hope it will only get better :)

There are so much challenges ahead of us.. I can foresee it.. N I will enjoy it, even if it's bittersweet :)

I love you, Joe Chan!

P/s: forgive me to start the post talking about fight, I didn't plan to write about anniversary.. I just start writing n tadaaa.. 

I can never forget the feeling of going to airport alone n yet excited.. Impatient about the 8 hours flight to meet him..
That was 2 years ago.. :)

Anger

Last night I notice blood shot around my eye bags area..
Again..
N my fist, punched the poor wall..
Is with bruises again..
This time is worst, it haven't recover from last Saturday's punch..
I can barely move my pinky..

Today.. They are still the same..

I was mad..
Yesterday I wanted to knock my head to the wall already..
But I didn't..
I guess part of me is still sane..

But I don't know how long it can last..

I notice I can't tell anybody about it..

As they will ask..
Is it worth it? such irrelevant question..
How am I supposed know..
This is clearly done by a crooked mind ppl whom can't find the way out..
Pain n injury is really just a side dish for me..

Last night he told me his mother kept asking him what happened
Making the whole family worried etc..
He almost hit his neighbour's dog
Very close to going out of his mind
He is clearly not good at managing anger too..
But he got all the attention
N I had to step down
I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to care about him at this point but I'm glad I hurt myself..
Cuz this way.. I feel pain n real.. Even though I have to do it alone..

The truth is he can't handle the truth..

He doesn't know that he is revengeful..
He wanted me to feel miserable the way I made him feel..
He want me to take it n keep quiet..
He want me to admit my mistake..
He doesn't want to stop fighting until he have done all his revenge n I get all the punishment he thinks I deserve..
He knows it kills me to keep listening..

And I..
Every time have to be the last to suffer..

N then last he will ask..
If I feel miserable n suffered..
But I cant tell him the truth because he won't be able to handle it..
He will show his sadness n guilt to hurt me more..
N then it goes on..

Until I give him what he wants

N then he will come apologise the damage he have done to me..
He's like a owner hugging a dog after hitting it..
N I'm like a dog letting him hug me in fear, terrorized with leftover love..
The dog always lick its own wound..

The dog has to be so optimistic to live with the owner..

I have no one to talk to..
Yet I have to tell him what to do..

I shall keep this alone..
I shall drown in sorrow..

What choice do I have?

挣扎

前几天我同事要我帮忙找胃癌专科的电话
说她姐姐得胃癌了，末期。伤感。
我不懂怎么安抚她
只能尽我所能帮她找电话

今天她哭红了眼
说她妈刚打了通电话给她
要她去趟医院
看他姐最后一面了

非常突然
事情发生得太快了
她没办法接受


而我。。。
被埋没在罪恶感
我到底对我自己做了什么？

徘徊在危险边境，选择权在我手上
但我却一而再再而三地做不出决定
决定了又不够坚决
那慢性自毁。。。

健康？
还是
容颜？
怎么不能两者兼有呢？

我，到底做了什么。。。。。

There's no such thing as the real happiness in this world

I remember I was truly happy hanging out with the devil
But it do me no good in the long run..
Because....
The extent of happiness is equal to the extent of hurt n pain when it's being taken away..
And I knew, it will end one day..

Now I'm with the angel
N it's all about the truth that I've always crave for
No lies no hides all naked on my sight
But I'm not too sure if i can handle it now.. no matter how hard I tried to convince myself this is the best for me..
I'm occasionally happy and occasionally angry. Crazy. Bitchy. I'm pampered.
I can't be satisfied with all the things given to me.. I've been given everything!!!
It ruins me..

I need to learn how to feel satisfied
I need to learn how not to fight n ask for more
I need to walk out from this mess n do a spring clean to my own fucked up mind and attitude

I need space